El Compañerismo

Me hace falta el espíritu de compañerismo. Yo vivo mi vida pensando en como puedo superar en mi trabajo y en mi internado. Horas pasan y lo único que me pasa por la mente son las diligencias que yo tengo que hacer. Sin embargo no llamo a mis amistades, si me invitan a comer siempre estoy ocupada, y si me preguntan por ayuda se la doy pero sin una sonrisa. Para mí no hay opción de compartir con amistades, de prestarle un hombro cuando estén tristes y tambien superarme. No hay suficiente horas en el día para hacer las dos cosas. Y la excusa que me doy es que tengo que superarme para mantener a mis padres, para obtener independencia, y para mantener a mi futura familia. Entonces claro que no tengo tiempo para sentar y dialogar con mi mamá, ni para hablar por teléfono por media hora escuchando los problemas que mis amistades an tenido por los últimos días. Necesito trabajar, y si no estoy trabajando necesito descansar para poder trabajar más. Porque en 10 años cuando se supone que yo este establecida, y no lo estoy, quien me va ayudar? Quien me va a dar la mano?

Pero cuántos se preguntaran cuando yo tenga mi buen trabajo, cuando mis ahorros estén an orden, cuando tenga mi propia casa y todo este a mi gusto, con quien podrá compartir mi felicidad? Quien me cojera el telefono?

Todo en esta vida es un balance. Hasta ahora yo no eh encontrado el balance entre mis negocios y mi vida personal.  Pero entiendo que los dos son sumamente importante y necesario para la felicidad completa.

Death Pt. 2

I think about my relationship with my partner now, and it’s absolutely wonderful. I won’t go into the details since I’m not entirely sure how to put it in words. But what comes to mind is, it can’t be this easy, there has to be a catch. And the biggest catch I can think of, is him being taken away from me. 

I’ll admit saying it out loud sounds pretty insane, but the fear is still very real, especially since it can happen at any moment. I’ve tried to imagine how I would handle that situation, how my faith would come into play, how I’d try to move on and what would help me get by the most. This is what I came up with…knowing that I loved him as much as I possibly could, that it was palpable, that he knew exactly how I felt about him, and that I had a positive effect on his life. And I mean this whether his time is tomorrow or 80 years from now. Whether we manage to build a family together or we part ways long before that.

Thinking about this has changed the way I see the relationship. I choose my battles more wisely, I delve into his interests, I accompany him to events even when I’m too tired. I share most if not all my thoughts. Death puts it all into perspective. Every moment is much more precious. 

I’m still terrified, but I’m learning to just enjoy the time we have now, and make sure whichever one of us is left behind, has some great memories to hold onto.

Death

For as long as I could remember I’ve been preoccupied with death. I shared a bed with my grandmother up until my junior year of HS. On most nights I would put my hand over her chest to make sure she was still breathing. Other times I would silently cry myself to sleep after the thought of her passing away would cross my mind, I still do sometimes. I’ve only had these concerns with my grandma, never with my parents. Maybe it’s been her age, but as I’ve gotten to know her and asked her questions about her life I’ve realized it’s because she understands me the most. We seem to have the same fighting spirit, the same craving for independence and self sufficiency. 

Despite our differences she’s the only woman I believe can truly give me some solid advice, comfort, and support. In a lot of ways she’s my best friend, I don’t think I’m closer to anyone else. Losing her would mean not having a single soul who has experience life AND who understands my angst and confusion. I love my mother deeply but there’s very little I can confide in her with. It’s one of those things I have to work on. 

I’m 23 years old and for at least 18 of those years, I’ve had this preoccupation. And it’s only been about my grandmother, but now someone else has been added to the list…my boyfriend. 

Breaking All Ties

You can only make excuses for someone for so long. I’ve tried to stand up for us, I’ve given advice, I even tried to look the other way.

I did my part, so the next logical step is to make a clean break. I’ll be at peace for as long as possible, and prepare myself for when we cross paths.

I can’t help but feel like im giving up on them. Maybe I am, but this is just too toxic to continue. I need to take my own advice and just exit the situation.

you who weigh your worth like dust,
why do you walk with
the posture of a whisper?
you tiptoe even when you’re alone,
as if your footsteps are not
important enough to be
heard by the ghosts you store underneath your floorboards.

do you tire of apologizing
for your existence?

if only you knew that it is
you who diamonds envy.
it is you who the sun
looks to for light.
who told you to be anything
but majestic?

“you matter”

- afro-virgo

(via afro-virgo)

A Contradiction

"When you need me but do not want me, then I must stay. When you want me but no longer need me, then I have to go. It's rather sad, really, but there it is."- Nanny McPhee

Every day I see how necessary my family is to my well being, my sanity, and my daily structure. I see the subtle clues that show me how necessary I am to them. I see how we connect, how we look out for each other. Yet, I still make the decision to turn away from them and search for solitude and silence instead. I'll regret the time lost one day. I'll regret the time I wasted away, but acknowledging that today, doesn't seem to impact my choices.

Talk about sabotage...

 

 

Dream

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vWxOebiMBFw

Had I the opportunity to write down exactly what I wanted and needed in my absolute best friend, I couldn't have come up with a better description. God must have looked into my heart, listened to every desire, every yearning, took note of every need, and picked you specifically for me. Each moment spent with you feels right, as if it's been written since the beginning of time. Every second without you is spent basking and rejoicing in the joy you've given me. You may not know what's to come, but I couldn't be more sure. There are no coincidences in life.

CatFish

As I watched Catfish today, I couldn't help but feel incredibly frustrated, all these situations are so messed up. For those of you that don't know, Catfish is a show that helps individuals uncover the truth about their online relationships.

Today's episode was about Antwane and his boyfriend of 3 years, Tony. Antwane had only spoken to Tony over the phone. He'd never met him, saw a picture, or video chatted with him. Antwane also didn't have a cellphone number where he could reach Tony. Instead Tony would call him from a private number whenever he wanted to talk. Despite only having a voice and kind words to hold onto, Antwane felt he was in love and completely trusted in Tony.

Unfortunately, this reminds me of relationships my girlfriends have been in, or are currently in. Where the effort, appreciation and respect if completely one-sided. Those on the outside can see how toxic the relationship is, but the person in it is totally blinded by their emotions. I think we need to set higher standards for ourselves when in relationships, whether they are romantic or not. And I say that fully aware that this issue is much bigger than not having high enough standards. It's a self esteem issue, it's a bullying issue, it's several things. Everyone has a variety of experiences that shape the choices they make today. But I think there has to come a time when we ask ourselves what is unacceptable, what do we want, and what do we deserve.

Antwane wanted and deserved more than just a voice after 3 years.Yet, he let his feelings convince him that this was good enough.

I think it's easy to feel afraid of losing someone if you make demands, especially if it's the best you've had to date. But when deciding who you'll keep by your side, you shouldn't make a comparison. It should be absolute, it shouldn't be based on your past, what you think is available, or what others tell you is available. Either this person meets your standards of what would make you happy or they don't. Of course you won't find a perfect match, but if you're truly honest with yourself I bet you'll be able to tell whether or not this person's company makes you happy.

I've had friends ask me "what if this is the best I'll ever get?" What if it is? You rather be with someone who plants negativity and cruelty in your life every chance they get, than be single? Are the 2 minutes of love and affection you'll get once a month worth it?

The answer is no. No company is better than bad company.

Home

Home has never been a place for me. It has always been and continues to be a person. My house belongs to my parents, if I leave my welcome home will be conditional. I can't make any decisions on it, so I feel more like a guest. These days it might as well be a dorm room. The security and certainty I ought to feel here isn't quite there. My house is not my home. I've put my faith in people, despite the constant advisement against that. Yet, up to this point it's served me well. I've found people that have consistently made me feel like I'm in a safe house. Like the doors are always open, there's always a bed for me, the fridge is stocked, like no matter what I'm always welcomed.

I'll always be grateful to those people, even if one day my home changes. Today is a different story though, today I want to make my own home. At least my own version of it. I've been itching for a place that only I know inside and out. A place where I find things as I left them, and where silence is there when I most need it. A place I create from scratch. I'm still wondering how I'll get there...

In San Francisco last year, a man stabbed a woman in the face and arm after she didn’t respond positively to his sexually harassing her on the street.

In Bradenton, Fla., a man shot a high school senior to death after she and her friends refused to perform oral sex at his request.

In Chicago, a scared 15-year-old was hit by a car and died after she tried escaping from harassers on a bus.

Again, in Chicago, a man grabbed a 19-year-old walking on a public thoroughfare, pulled her onto a gangway and assaulted her.

In Savannah, Georgia, a woman was walking alone at night and three men approached her. She ignored them, but they pushed her to the ground and sexually assaulted her.

In Manhattan, a 29-year-old pregnant woman was killed when men catcalling from a van drove onto the sidewalk and hit her and her friend.

Last week, a runner in California — a woman — was stopped and asked, by a strange man in a car, if she wanted a ride. When she declined he ran her over twice.

FUCK YOU if you think that street harassment is a “compliment” or “no big deal” or that it’s “irrational” of us to be afraid because “what’s actually gonna happen.” Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you some more.

kushandwizdom:

8 Things Happy Couples Don’t Do

Sometimes, building a solid healthy relationship isn’t just about what partners do, but what they don’t do.

Here are 8 things that you won’t find in the habits of happy couples.

Discourage each other.

Two people who love and care for each other would never attempt to discourage their partner or hold them back in life. They encourage and support each other when it comes to chasing after goals and dreams.

Holding someone else back while in a relationship will only lead to resentment in the long run – ironically, loosening your grip often keeps someone closer.

Play mind games.

Even something as simple as “how long do I wait before I call?” goes out the window when you’re with the right person who is mature and understands you. Call when you want to call, text when you want to text. There will be no games or manipulation when building a solid foundation for a relationship.

Doubt each others feelings.

In a happy relationship, both partners know how much they mean to each other. Open communication and affection are important to minimizing insecurities and doubts.

Stop trying.

You know you’ve found a quality partner when they keep showing you how much you mean to them…long after they’ve got you.

Brush issues under the rug.

No relationship is sunshine and rainbows all the time, but the challenges you face together are what make you stronger, both as individuals and as a couple. No problem can be extinguished unless it is faced, and couples who care for each other will be mature enough to have mature discussions and reach a conclusion.

When feelings are hidden, the other partner won’t know what they need to do or change in order to keep the other happy, so nothing will improve.

Snoop around.

One of the key ingredients to a happy relationship is trust, and people who trust each other don’t invade each others’ privacy by snooping around. There should be no need for a password protected phone or deleting your Facebook chat history. Trusting couples should be open books to one another and will have no use for being sneaky.

Dig up the past.

We all have a past that has shaped us into who we are today. Some experiences for better, and others for worse. Happy, mature couples understand that about each other and don’t use each others’ pasts as ammunition in arguments or to start issues.

Let things get stale.

Both inside and outside of the bedroom, it’s important that neither partner gets bored or feels as though things are getting stale. Often times intimacy in the bedroom is actually built outside of it through romantic gestures, showing of appreciation and affection, and always letting your partner know how much they mean to you.

Happiness in relationships is built on communication, trust, loyalty, and mutual respect. These are some of the cornerstones of love – without one, the other cannot exist.

Source: James Michael Sama

mejoraqui:


It will take just 37 seconds to read this and change your thinking..

Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room.

One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs.

His bed was next to the room’s only window.

The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back.

The men talked for hours on end.

They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military service, where they had been on vacation..

Every afternoon, when the man in the bed by the window could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window.

The man in the other bed began to live for those one hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and color of the world outside.

The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake.
Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats. Young lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every color and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance.

As the man by the window described all this in exquisite details, the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine this picturesque scene.

One warm afternoon, the man by the window described a parade passing by.

Although the other man could not hear the band - he could see it in his mind’s eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with descriptive words.

Days, weeks and months passed.

One morning, the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths only to find the lifeless body of the man by the window, who had died peacefully in his sleep.

She was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take the body away.

As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be moved next to the window. The nurse was happy to make the switch, and after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone.

Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look at the real world outside.
He strained to slowly turn to look out the window besides the bed.

It faced a blank wall.

The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his deceased roommate who had described such wonderful things outside this window.

The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not even see the wall.

She said, ‘Perhaps he just wanted to encourage you.’

Epilogue:

There is tremendous happiness in making others happy, despite our own situations.
Shared grief is half the sorrow, but happiness when shared, is doubled.
If you want to feel rich, just count all the things you have that money can’t buy.
‘Today is a gift, that is why it is called The Present .’

STOP SCROLLING AND READ THIS

My eye is leaking.

kushandwizdom:

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Not all toxic people are cruel and uncaring. Some of them love us dearly. Many of them have good intentions. Most are toxic to our being simply because their needs and way of existing in the world force us to compromise ourselves and our happiness. They aren’t inherently bad people, but they aren’t the right people for us. And as hard as it is, we have to let them go. Life is hard enough without being around people who bring you down, and as much as you care, you can’t destroy yourself for the sake of someone else. You have to make your wellbeing a priority. Whether that means breaking up with someone you care about, loving a family member from a distance, letting go of a friend, or removing yourself from a situation that feels painful — you have every right to leave and create a safer space for yourself.

Daniell Koepke (via internal-acceptance-movement) so relevant…. (via blackfoxx)