I constantly feel like I'm in a battle. A battle for my most basic rights, and those of the people around me. Often times when I hear stories of relationship problems, or the bad decisions women make concerning men I'm quick to respond. Almost immediately I'm enraged, disgusted, and ready to deliver a passionate speech about women's rights and self worth. I forget to have compassion for what these women are feeling, and for the past struggles they've endured, that for them rationalizes their current state. I forget the first step I should ever take should be a step back, to gain perspective and understanding.
I am no veteran in the field of relationships, not even close. In fact I'm guilty of committing quite a few mistakes myself. But I've had plenty of examples of what a healthy relationship is not, and I've learned from them. I've been exposed to men who have a deep seeded belief that women are inferior to them. That women have certain household responsibilities that must be taken care of at all times, even if their dreams have to take a back seat, even if they work full time and put in just as much, if not more money into building a life for their family.
I grew up believing my role as a female is to play host when my parents are entertaining guests. I was supposed to help clean the house, serve drinks, put coats in the bedroom...my brother wasn't told to do the same, at least not to the same extent. When my dad came home from work, I served him a plate of food, rice on one end, beans off to the side (never on top of the rice) and the meat on the remaining side. I also had to give him a cold beverage of his choice, with a napkin of course. When he was done I took everything the to the kitchen. I'm surprised I wasn't asked to feed it to him. It took a few years for me to start saying no. But not much has changed, the behavior has been tweaked but the belief is still the same. Men don't do, and aren't supposed to do the dirty work.
Last time I strongly and loudly expressed my disgust for that belief I was 14 years old. I held nothing back, you see I have my father's temper. I got smacked across the face so hard my glasses hit the ground several feet away. It didn't take long for me to realize I wasn't the crazy one, I wasn't the irrational one. My ideas and beliefs were founded on a very simple concept, that of self worth.
Since then my actions have been more subtle and unfortunately more sympathetic. That has been my biggest mistake. And seeing the women I love, both family and friends, being manipulated into doing certain things to avoid the arguing, the yelling, the nonsense has made that very clear. See, I try to keep the peace, I see the stress the women around me are drowning in, and I don't want to make things worse. I don't want to rock the boat, instead I want to mediate all problems, I want to distract. However, that doesn't, and hasn't solved the problem. I run around trying to get people to understand our actions are enabling the bad behavior we hate so much. A close friend of mine told me people don't change without consequences for their actions. So I've made it a point to be very clear about what I dislike, and what I won't stand for.
I probably won't win the battle at home, at least not in the entirety that I dream of. However, the inequality will stop with me. I will not be taken advantage of, and if I ever have daughters I'll make sure to teach them there's a higher standard they ought to live up to. People ought to be appreciated for their hard work, they ought to be thanked for all they do. There's nothing wrong with choosing your battles for the greater good, or with tolerating things here and there. But there's a limit. Being strong doesn't have to mean putting aside your self-worth.
