HS Poem2

in

Clearly I was a little dark in HS, but I think it’s important to share this part of me. It reminds me of who I was back then, and how that affected who I am now.

I saw you and immediately i cared
No questions no judgements i just knew
In my heart you were there
I loved your voice and the way you spoke to me
I was so stupid to fall for your words, now im in misery
we were friends for a while we talked ,we laughed
but now you ignore me
I feel like an old photogragh
taken, used for a while and thrown away never to be seen again
Why’d you do it? can we at least be friends?
No, we cant be friends you hurt me too much
This relationship whether love or friendship has come to it’s tragic end
But wait let me ask why would you deny it?, when i asked why?
Did you think i was that stupid
Or did you want to see me cry
You know what just forget it
I will never know
 _______ ________
This very minute I bury you 6ft below!

HS Poem

in
The touch
I think about him all the time
I wonder if he likes me
No doubt he’s always on my mind
His smile brights up the darkest of places
Even the most frowning unhappy faces
My heart beats 4 him
My eyes seek him
My whole body is yearnin 4 him
Theres nothing i can do
The sight of him brings a chill down my spine
Maybe its an urge i don’t know
Im confused am i in love?
I feel his eyes on my face
My heart is beating faster every minute
He’s getting closer now he’s looking straight into my eyes
He looks down at my lips
He’s getting closer i feel him breathin on me
I stay still. Im a statue
Then his hands touch my waist
Hes nervous too
But he doesnt stop
hesitantly i put my arms around him
I see him smile
 the he tilts his head and our lips touch
And move in a smooth tense way
 His kiss felt like it could last forever
the HE……..

Can't Wait

in

I can’t wait to forget his embrace. That first time he wrapped his arms around me and I was certain something about us had changed. I can’t wait to forget the look in his eyes when he said something clever and stole my composure. I can’t wait to forget how he observed me, analyzing every bit of me to see if I measured up. I can’t wait to forget the opportunities he laid out for me. I can’t wait to forget how heavy my heart felt when it realized it wasn’t chosen. I can’t wait to forget, how I tried to forget, but couldn’t because forgetting meant admitting I wasn’t good enough.

I can’t wait to forget how I tried and failed.

They Linger

in

Love lingers, and everyone that has ever shown me love, whether it was romantic or other, stays with me. I may not speak to them anymore, they may not want to see me again, they may have moved on to bigger things, it doesn’t matter. Their spirit stays with me.

Some may misinterpret that as my desire to still be with them if it was a romantic love. But that’s not it at all. I just commit to love. So when it happens I cherish it, and it becomes a part of me.

So thank you to all my loves. It may not be the case now, but I know it was real.

Big Picture

in

I’m constantly stuck between fighting for my small goals and looking at the big picture. I’ve mentioned several times before that I want to get an apartment of my own. Just to have a space that is all mine. A space where I call the shots.

Yet, lately I’ve thinking I should hold it out and save up for a house. Sure I’ll be sharing it with a husband and children, but I bet it’d feel great to have a place of my own that’s long term. A place I know my grandchildren will come to visit me in. A place I’ll decorate and renovate alongside my husband…

Ahh I don’t know which is better. The 21 year old me tells me to live in the now and work as many jobs as possible to get my apartment. Yet the future mommy in me craves the white picket fence, and the front lawn and a garden….and a dog house….

I can’t have both, so I’ll choose the one that means the most to me.

Future mommy wins.

Teach Me How to Throw A Football

in

At work today, a young foreigner probably close to my age, asked me if I was American. Considering we’re in America I usually don’t get that question, “where is the bathroom” on the other hand is a popular one. I asked him to repeat himself, just to make sure I was hearing correctly, and then I answered yes, not sure where this was going. His next question though, blew my mind.

He asked me if I could teach him how to throw a football…

Now for some background, I work in a university bookstore that happens to sell footballs.

I giggled a bit and said, “well I don’t know how to throw a football…” The confusion in his face was fascinating. His friend then went on to explain he had a roommate that played American football so he kinda knows how to throw it.

I thought this was interesting because it seems like the idea of gender specific sports are very prominent here in the US. If someone mentions a basketball game, we’re more likely to think of a man. If someone mentions tennis however, or maybe volleyball, we’re likely to think of a woman.

So to have this young man assume I can play football because it’s part of American culture, and not think twice about my gender, made me feel like there has been some sort of breakthrough in the fight for gender equality.

It may seem like a bit much but we are still fighting for gender equality, and any accomplishment, regardless of its size should be praised.

Questions

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I ask myself the tough questions when no one is listening.

I wonder if things will end like they did the last time. I wonder whether I’ve become the bully in order to avoid being the victim. I wonder whether this is genuine, or I’ve just convinced myself it is. I wonder how long it will be before we crack. Before the truth reveals itself and everything crashes down on us. I wonder if this is it. If this is my version of hell. If in trying to avoid the mistakes of the models before me I’ve created a hell that is the complete opposite, but just as painful.

I wonder how I’ve manged to manipulate my thoughts into thinking everything was all good.

Being Mary Jane

in

I’m watching the first episode of this new series right now and I feel as though Mary Jane embodies what it means to be a women. At least what I’ve learned being a woman means. Doing it all, being criticized when you complain about it or ask for slack, and continuously being manipulated and guilt into picking up all the slack.

Why are we expected to succeed and provide for those who have made a conscious decision to live off of the government and other people’s success?

It seems like we’re always stuck between taking care of family and standing up for ourselves. There is always a constant struggle for power. They weren’t able to accomplish their goals, weren’t able to reach their potential so they assert their power, knowing well that your morals and values won’t allow you to disrespect or leave them to suffer. Again I ask, why is it our responsibility to stall our success, our happiness, to take care of those who threw away their opportunities and potential?

We need to choose who we help.

Time

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Every success is attached to an age range, forced on us by society. You have to complete college in 4 years, you have to be 21 by the time you’re done, and if you did everything right, you’ll have a job by the end of it. Only this is far from the truth, considering there are a multitude of factors that can affect the direction your life takes. Not only that but if you’re a woman who wants to have a family, things become significantly more difficult. Ideally, for the mother and the baby, a women should have a child before age 40. This means if you’re into the concept of marriage, you practically have an itinerary set out for you.

The time you have to attain your career, find the love of your life, save money for a wedding, get married, and decide to have children….

Who the hell has their life so figured out they can have all this?! I’m a college graduate, still figuring out my passion, and I can’t help but feel like while I’m doing all this figuring out, time is ticking and I’m falling behind my peers who have known their ultimate goal in life since they started HS…

I’m not making excuses, I’m not whining, I’m just pointing out that fact that society and even our own families hold us up to a standard that for some is just unattainable.

Time is flexible, whether we choose to believe it or not.

In The Moment

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I’m often at work, so whenever I have a brilliant writing idea I can’t stop in my tracks and write it down. Therefore, I’ve recently taken to writing snippets of it in my journal, a post-it, or any piece of paper I can find. Unfortunately, by the time I can sit down and expand on that idea, the emotion behind it is gone. You see emotion is about 80% of my writing. If I’m not emotional about an idea or topic, then it becomes very difficult to write about it.

With that said, I plan to fully write out my thoughts where ever I am. Hopefully, I don’t get myself fired in the process…

Purpose

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Ultimately, I’d like to create an environment where behavioral therapy is combined with writing and mentorship. In this area youth will learn to dream bigger, will develop skills to get there, and will turn their dire situations into their motivation to move forward. I’m not quite sure how I will go about doing this but I do believe graduate school will be a step to get there.

I think everyday I come up with new goals for myself and for those around me.

It seems like I’m getting closer to realizing my purpose here on earth.

in

Let whatever you do today be enough. Let go of the judgement you have about what you should be or could be doing, and today, allow yourself to simply be. Comparing yourself and your journey may be habitual, but it gets you nowhere. It makes you feel worse and it keeps you stuck. So stop fixating on where everyone else is, and start giving yourself permission to be exactly where you are. Quiet the voice telling you to do more and be more, and trust that in this moment, who you are, where you are at, and what you are doing is enough. You will get to where you need to be in your own time. Until then, breathe. Breathe and be patient with yourself and your process. You are doing the best you can to cope and survive amid your struggles, and that’s all you can ask of yourself. It’s enough. You are enough.

Daniell Koepke 

Needed this…

(via ajna-aakhu)

in

hiphoplaboratory:

I have no patience for anybody that doubts me. None, at all. It’s too hard out here. You know what I’m sayin. If my people don’t stand up for me, who is? I understand these white folks looking at me like that, cause they don’t know me. They didn’t hear Keep Ya Head Up. That ain’t no fluke.  Keep Ya Head Up ain’t no goddamn come up. I didn’t do that for bitches to be smiling in my face to say ‘oh, he’s cool.’ I did that from my heart. So if they do try to put a rape charge on me, my sisters can say he ain’t ‘bout that. Now if my sisters can’t say that, you won’t hear another muthafuckin Keep Ya Head Up out my mouth.

in

Lo besé con fuerza. Las pocas personas que había en aquel bar debieron de mirarnos y pensar que aquello no era más que un beso. No sabían que en ese minuto de beso estaba el resumen de mi vida, de su vida, de la vida de cualquier persona que espera, sueña y busca su camino bajo el sol.
En aquel minuto de beso estaban todos los momentos de alegría que había vivido.

A orillas del río piedra me senté y lloré

Paulo Coelho

(via exhalandofelicidad)