Google: Life purpose

This semester I’ve joined a few programs in the hopes of widening my horizons. I thought I could get a little closer to knowing who I am and what my long term goals are. I thought I could possibly feel a bit more useful and productive. Unfortunately, I’ve just gotten a lot of headaches, and everything that I’m doing feels like a huge burden and waste of time. It sounds horrible but I kind of wish I could just quit everything, and only go to class and work.

I can’t say I’m as anxious and worried as I’ve been in the past two years. This year I’ve been pretty laid back. Definitely not as worried, which I suppose is a good thing. But now I’m just hanging around, going through the motions, feeling a bit numb. That in turn is making me crave not only affection but attention as well. I’m not behaving like myself. I’m also making all these promises to myself that I know I won’t follow through with. I’m ignoring my family on top of that, and my priorities are all messed up.

I’ve spent the last three nights staying up until 3 AM listening to music instead of doing something productive. I haven’t even written in my journal. So far this semester has been flying by. I know you reap what you sow, and without hard work you won’t get any results. But what do you when you have nothing to work towards. No motivation….

In a few months I’m supposed to be doing something that I really care about, but by some twist of fate I’m doing something I barely think about. Today I learned something new about that trip and I’m even more upset.

Ugh I’m just so frustrated. People get the opportunities they want, because of the people they know. And I get the short end of the stick because I refuse to create relationships with the intention of using them for my benefit in the future. Maybe it’s just me, but my friends are people I actually like, not people in high places.

So far the only thing that has truly made me happy and given me a sense of hope this semester has been the hugs of my second graders. The student-teaching experience has been bland…but those hugs and smiles and the “i love you’s” truly make everything OK in my life for that one moment.

I have to be up very early tomorrow, so tonight I’ll pray, organize, think, and do some soul searching…