Something Borrowed

In the past few weeks, I lost someone I cared about, and 3 of my friends also lost a loved one. Unfortunately, you never think it'll happen to you until it does. You never think you'll be reading news articles about someone you know, or planning a funeral for a friend your age, until you get the air knocked out of you and you realize this isn't a terrible dream.

These past few weeks have made me think carefully about what makes me happy, and how I interact with the people around me. I don't want to spend my life in an apathetic haze, when there are people actively chasing their dreams, being gunned down, or diagnosed with terminable illnesses. I also don't want to be in a position where I lose someone and am overwhelmed with the guilt of not telling them how much they meant to me, not giving them enough of me while I still could.

I think about my partner, and I'm anxious for the day we can wake up to each other, and spend our mornings and evenings together. Yet, I also consider all the moments tragedy could strike. We have discussed marriage, children, future Halloween and Comic Con outfits, you name it, we've probably talked about it. He's the type of guy you can't wait to introduce your kids to. Like fresh out the womb I want to be like "Hey kid, you see this guy right here? He's you dad, best man in the WHOLE WIDE WORLD, and he's 100% yours. He was made for this job! You sir/madam have the best dad ever, now go and squeeze his finger." That's legit the first conversation I'll have with my child. Now imagine wrapping your head around the idea that just days after that beautiful moment, this wonderful man can be taken away from you.

Crazy right?

Let's take a bit further, you're 80 years old, you have kids, and grandchildren, you've been through it all. He's become a part of your every day, of every moment. Then without warning, one morning he doesn't wake up. The decades you shared together aren't comforting. It almost makes it much worse to have these thoughts to look back on. Not too long ago, I told myself my heart couldn't bear it. I prefer not to be lifted up, if I'll eventually come crashing down. I thought it better to shield myself and keep myself leveled, instead of basking in joy.

But that's no way to live.

Spending your life "protecting yourself" can bring on even more guilt, when you realize how your happiness affects those around you. How cherishing the moments of pure joy can be enough to get someone through a terrible time. Why keep that away from someone? I can't even begin to prepare myself for the awful things the future can hold, but I can enjoy today. I can be present today, today I can make the decision to love and be kind. I can decide to take the high road, to lose this particular battle in the interest of peace. I've read and been told that nothing we have in this world belongs to us, not material things, not family, not friends. Everything we consider ours we're actually just borrowing. So enjoy what you have, while you have it, so that when it's time to let go you can do so with a full heart.