The Last Time

I’m not afraid of this being the last relationship I ever have. I’m not afraid of not having another first date. I’m not afraid of spending the rest of my time with only this person by my side. I’m not afraid because that’s the point, that’s the reason we flirt, we date, and we enter relationships, we hope that one of them turns out to be the real deal. We don’t enter a relationship and express our emotions with the thought that it will end soon. However, there is something that terrifies me.

I’m afraid that I will give up something great, something that means the world to me, in order to keep this going. I will base the important decisions coming up in my life on this one relationship and 5 or so years from now it will end. I will be left with lost opportunities and the question of “was it worth it? was the 2 years gained worth all you lost?” and I’m terrified the answer will be no.

Thinking about all aspects of my life I can say it is only at home, ironically, that I feel limited. It is only with family that the word “can’t” has any validity. Only can my mother or brother tell me it’s not right, it’s not allowed, and a part of me will agree with them. I think about my family and I know for certain that a part of my life will surely be dedicated to taking care of them, which is OK if it wasn’t for the fact that I’d have no say in the extent of my services.

Having realized that, I set it in my mind that no other aspect of my life would limit me or bring me down, and that includes romantic relationships. When I was applying to colleges I was in my first real meaningful relationship but I had no intention of arranging my college dreams around us. I applied to where ever I wanted to go knowing whatever happened to us was secondary. And now this situation comes up again but in a much more general sense.

How much can I ask of someone? What am I willing to sacrifice? What is my last deal breaker?