Illusion

I often convince myself that if I don’t see or hear whatever causes me pain, the pain doesn’t exist. That if I just remove myself from the situation, the situation ceases to be one. Distance is my solution to many things, and when it doesn’t work I turn to my imagination and just pretend all problems are solved.

I’m in this incredible place, doing amazing things, and living free of stress and heartache, but the minute I return everything will be just the way it was when I left. The screaming, dehumanizing, tension…all of it will still be waiting for me. I haven’t solved anything, I’ve just delayed reacting to it.

I’ve gotten really good at convincing myself of things. When admitting the truth is too difficult or complicated, or doesn’t make sense with the conventions of society…I just have to say a lie out loud enough times, repeatedly and convincingly explain it to people, and I’m sold!

But that’s only temporary and eventually I cave and admit the truth. I think part of my problem, aside from wanting to avoid pain, is that I find it difficult to accept that sometimes there isn’t a definite place I should be, either physically and mentally. It’s hard to accept that I don’t know what I’m doing, or where I stand in terms of my personal, and professional life. That I have no idea what’s going on right now, and where I’m going next, and I don’t know what I’m feeling. I can tell you where I sorta kinda am…where I sorta kinda expect to be, and what I’m sorta kinda feeling but I can’t quite put my finger on it…

It’s something I need to work on, because by the way things are looking, very little will ever be concrete for me. I also need to work on understanding that I deserve certain things, but only because I deserve them doesn’t mean I will automatically get them. And even though they probably should be a given, my circumstances require me to make some sort of effort…and if it means that much to me the effort shouldn’t stop me.

It may seem like I went a little off topic towards the end but I promise it made perfect sense in my head.