Many Faces

I feel like I’m living various lives, each one a secret from the other. And each with a distinct audience to please. Recently I’ve received quite a few blessings and for a moment I felt undeserving of them.

I’ve done my share of things that society, and my church family wouldn’t approve of. Things my mother can’t even dream of me doing. If I were to be honest with everyone in my life, all those that are proud of me and see me as a role model for their own children, would be very disappointed. As unfortunate as that may be I can’t say I feel too guilty about it. The decisions I’ve made have been mine, and although they probably weren’t the best I wouldn’t necessarily take them back.

It’s unsettling because I feel like I’m deceiving the people I care about most, but I don’t agree with their beliefs 100% and I’m certainly not perfect. I’m still trying to figure myself out and that requires a lot of trial and error. So although people see me highly because they don’t see my flaws, I still feel I work hard for what I have and the blessings/praise I get are deserved, at least partly.

Without their knowledge I’ve let a lot of people down, and as much as that hurts I’m happy I still feel OK about my life as a whole.

Maybe one day I’ll get the courage to come clean.