Not Enough

I’m slowly realizing that things aren’t working out for me.

Academically, physically, and financially I’m in a rut. Not sure where I’m headed, no motivation to improve my current situation, and extremely fearful of what the future awaits.

In fact I feel like I’ve wasted every opportunity this school has offered me. Oddly enough this is the only time this academic year that I’ve been emotionally stable. I’m actually happy. I guess I’ve gotten to the point where I know no matter what I do my fate is pretty much set until the end of May. Nothing I do now will make a large enough difference so there’s no point in putting in the effort.

I’m surrounded my people doing big things and I feel like I should be doing the same, but I’m not sure what my goal is. And if I don’t know what I’m working towards then how can I possibly progress. I refuse to apply to jobs and internships for the sake of saying I had one at some point in college. It’s a waste of time if it’s not going to contribute to some ultimate goal.

There’s only one aspect of my life that’s going very well, and it happens to be the part that’s not real. It’s the most fleeting part of my life right now and the only thing keeping me from shutting down completely.

I have no idea of what the next step is but I’m just hoping I make it through this semester and things fall into place somehow.