Needy

Sometimes I want to make myself believe that I’m self-sufficient. If I can do it on my own, with my own resources then it’s done. If I can’t I wait until I can, and then it’s done. I hate the idea that I need someone. That I can’t do something without assistance. Not only does it make me feel weak, but I can never brush off the feeling that I owe that person. No matter how many times I think I repaid them it just never seems enough. So it’s strange that a person can make me feel as needy as I feel now.

I’ve noticed how my mood can completely change with someone’s absence. Even if they are just gone for the day, I’m not as happy or as energetic as usual. I think it’s because I feed off of other people’s energy…a bit too much I’m noticing. There are certain people in different social circles that motivate me to get through the day. I have people at work, friends at school that I look forward to seeing on my breaks. Even at home I have my brother. They are people that I confide in and expect to be there. So when they aren’t I just feel like something is missing and my day gets a little duller.

Lately I have felt…neutral. I’m not particularly happy, nor very sad. I’m just kinda going through the motions. There have been moments that I’ve been very upset and annoyed but only moments. Nothing serious enough to last for days. My classes have been amazing as well as my professors, so that’s not it either. I just can’t put my finger on it. What/who is missing? What has changed? What am I not getting enough of?

It’s really pathetic to have my happiness depend on the mere presence of another human being. Or in my case various human beings. I need some intense soul searching before I over-analyze my life to the point of depression.