Day 16
Something you always think “what if” about.
This is hard to write about because I do this for a lot of things. Yet, the one that comes up the most aside from a romantic relationship I refuse to dissect here, is my decision to come to NYU.
Aside from it’s many faults and my previous post commenting on it’s hollowness, I’m happy with my choice to attend the school. I’ve finally decided on my major and I don’t think any other school would give me that combination, and the other opportunities I’ve gained. However, I think I will forever regret not going to Stonybrook. It’s a school that focuses on health and medicine, something I’m not necessarily interested in. So it’s not about the education but about everything else it symbolized for me at the time. Going away to college, choosing my career was my chance to be an adult. My chance to make a decision on my own and prove to my parents that I’m no longer a child that has to rely on them for everything.
Since I would have dormed and they wouldn’t have supported me financially (because of their inability, not out of spite) I would have been forced to take more responsibility. I think I’m responsible now, and I’m sure they know it, but they are completely unaware of my ability to survive. I haven’t done laundry completely on my own yet, but I’m sure I can figure it out if I need to. I can’t cook, but I can walk to a supermarket buy some ingredients and follow a recipe. These are lame examples but it’s these basic things that my parents think they need to walk me through. They don’t see what other adults see in me and it’s sad. I wholeheartedly believe that if I would have left for an entire semester and came back with good grades and in one piece they would respect me more.
I’d also have a lot more peace in my life, and probably a better relationship with my mother. I always think that if I would have gone away for college certain decisions that I will make in the near future (like getting my own apartment) will be easier for them to digest. I’m still stuck in this stage where I don’t see myself as a kid but I’m continuously reminded that I’m not an adult and it kills me. This limbo business is unbearable. I bet a lot of you are thinking I’m just making excuses that I can gain all this respect here and right now because you guys have. I know that, but now it’s a lot more painful/emotional. Going away would have made it so much smoother. Taking these drastic steps now is going to open the door to daily arguments, and bickering that I just can’t emotionally handle, there’s enough of that going on already. When you’re physically away from someone you tend to put things in perspective and you put aside the little things and focus on bigger issues.
I want to avoid the moment where I have to explain to my mother why I want to leave her house and why it’s NOT that I don’t like her but that I need independence. That I’m not trying to run away from her, and that I know I have to help her and my grandma but I still need to make my own decisions.
I will forever (or maybe for another decade or so) see StonyBrook as an easier way to “grow up”, to ease into adulthood. I’m working on adulthood now but I can’t help but think what if….